Three ways to deal with depressive episodes
Sometimes, I walk in the morning from my house to my job and I feel like everything is brighter; people around me walk in the same rhythm to the music, birds are flying in a coordinated and inspirational way, and the weather is the best. But, at other times, I feel that it´s almost impossible to get up out of bed, and I feel like I am carrying a dead body over my shoulders. In these times, the day is not bright, it is scaring to go outside and all the thoughts and mixed feelings inside me drain my energy. These different daily feelings or perspectives come and go in a rush that usually leaves me exhausted; I switch between feeling like a Disney princess with all the music, light, and cheer feelings about life, and then, on the same day, I feel like a Tim Burton character in the prenumber of a cave feeling sad and hopeless. It sounds crazy and exhausting but this has been my reality for almost 5 years, a time in which I have been living with these switching feelings that I like calling my “shitty phases” (formally called depressive episodes, but I like to put the name that they deserve: shitty fucking phases). These phases are a sort of stages that keep me battling inside with a mix of thoughts and emotions, a struggle that keeps me in a dark place without a clear way out. This stage could stay for a moment or a day, but when I get scared the most is when it stays with me for months.
It is part of life to feel down from time to time but when you feel sad, hopeless, and tired all the time, usually there are hidden reasons behind those emotions. For me, a Latin-American woman who grew up in a society with a strong stigma associated with mental illness, it has been very difficult to give myself a space to think about what it has been happening inside me or at least to think in the possibility of looking for help. For a long time, I denied my emotions and I felt like a weak person when they appeared, instead of thinking about them and doing something. I pushed myself to work harder, to take many responsibilities and consequently, I turned into a workaholic to escape from my feelings (does it sound familiar to you?). As difficult as it sounds there is always something or someone (maybe an event, an emotion, a relationship, a mentor, an experience, a trip, or also a person you dislike) that triggers the alarm that reveals you that you need to act before it gets too late; I like to call it “The wake-up call”. In my case, it was a former boss who was very supportive of the most difficult time I was living in; we were talking about how lost you could feel when you lose someone you love and he asked me if I was seeing professional help which I wasn’t. His answer was striking but necessary: “don’t be such an idiot, you need professional help” (well, this conversation was in Spanish and in a good Chilean way it was something like “no seas weona, necesitas ir al psicólogo”). That was the only thing that I needed in that precise moment to wake me up and start working in myself by going to the therapist.
Once I decided to go to therapy, my journey began, and I have been discovering, or more precise, rediscovering some things about myself that have stricken me out. At first hand it was scaring, because some things required an action which meant pushing myself to move forward; but then, I saw progress and that was a relief. I won´t tell you that it was easy, but it was worthy, and that is why I want to share with you my findings in this process. It has had value to me, so if you are going through a similar situation, you may connect with me, and this could help you with your own process.
Embrace your emotions and give them a room
Our emotions drive us most of the time and usually we tend to restrain them. For many years our cultures and societies have been teaching us that sadness, rage, fear or frustration are bad feelings and that we cannot feel in that way. This is a big lie, emotions are just that, emotions, nothing more; neither bad nor good, just emotions. We tend to ignore these emotions, and this is our first mistake, as they usually tell us more than we think. Quite often, when we feel frustrated, rageful or hopeless, it is because there is a situation or something that needs our attention. Emotions are there to communicate something to us and we need to find rooms or ways out in order to help us dealing with these messages. These rooms or ways out could be activities, people or experiences; anything that may allow us unfold our inner self, the one we always need to pay attention to. Depression and also anxiety come up when we don’t listen to our emotions, repressing them instead. If this happens, we may find help in the expert hands of a professional, the care of our family, or any people around us who could lead us on a path of self-awareness. Why do we need professional help or something that helps us getting out from our depressive episode? Because at that point our problems seem bigger and we usually don’t see an exit, or our thoughts are biased due to our emotional state. We must speak up about our problems and share our thoughts or the things we are struggling against, and we must do it with someone capable of dealing with them, giving us an impartial perspective that would help us getting out of our troubled mind, widening our perspective of the problem (trust me, there is always an exit, a light in the middle of all the dark, just talk or look for help).
Be kind to yourself
Defenseless in the mind battlefield, it is very difficult to feel that someone could understand you, because depression is an invisible disease that disables us and makes us feel like we don’t have control of our thoughts, emotions or even our body. When we don’t have control, we feel powerless, and if we don’t have another perspective, we usually tend to sabotage ourselves. We are bombed with this superhuman profile, one who wakes up at 5am, does exercises, does yoga, writes a book, works in a productive way, goes out with friends, and all these on a single day to finally go to bed at 9pm. This is only an example out of many, and we tend to compare our life with this kind of idealized human being which makes us feel weak and unproductive. Typically we tend to lie to ourselves about our emotions and to force ourselves beyond our limits. This is done without any respect regarding our times and processes. Being honest to ourselves and recognizing our need to slow down doesn’t make us unworthy in this super productive society, neither makes us weak, just makes us humans. That’s all! Be kind to yourself, respect your time, put limits and love your life because you are valuable, you are whole, and you are worthy.
Accept the healing process
The healing process is not conscious. I would love to tell you that you will be ok following two or three steps but unfortunately is not that simple. We need to understand what is the bottom reason that pulls us down and what is the core of the problem. I know that certain events make us feel sad, frustrated or maybe even hopeless, but when this happens and these emotions take control of us breaking our internal balance, there is a problem there that we need to address, a problem which awareness from our behalf turns into the healing process itself. We need to delve into the real issues that affect us, asking ourselves why we feel the way we feel, why this event, person or circumstance affects us in this way, and why we cannot move forward. I know that it is scaring, because all these require opening our soul and inquiring ourselves what drives us. Maybe you are scare of what you could find, as once you do it, you will need to take action and push yourself to do something in order to change your situation, even if it means losing something in the way.
These strategies may help you cope with your shitty phases but not to overcome them. Overcoming would require a greater deal of deep work focused on the healing process. This is the most important part in the way to becoming a new you, a newer, stronger and recovered person; one who would not carry that huge weight upon their shoulders, one who won’t battle themselves anymore. Now is the time for you to give yourself the opportunity to heal, the chance to give yourself the opportunity to be resilient.
Special thanks to my co-writer @david.lethei
